Occasionally you get a job that makes you laugh, normally because the person who you are picking up is an idiot. We got called to a chip shop in one of the main roads in Newham, unfortunately there are about 20 chip shops on this road, but we managed to find it by looking for the shiny white police car parked outside. The call had been given as an "assault" which can mean anything from a slap on the face to a fatal stabbing.
In this instance it was a young lad, the spitting image of "Ali G", who was complaining that he had been hit on the nose, needless to say there wasn't a mark on him, and it turned out that he had been hit by his girlfriend. The police wanted to take statements, but he wasn't interested and when I tried to look at him he told me that I wasn't needed as "I'm St John's innit, and a security guard". This fella wouldn't scare a kid just out of Primary school, so I suspect he was telling a little bit of a lie. As he wasn't hurt and "refused aid" my crew-mate and I retreated to a safe distance to do our paperwork...
In the course of the night we found ourselves at the local hospital (dropping off some ill person or something) when who should walk in with another crew from my station, but our earlier "Ali G" lookalike. I asked him why he decided to call an ambulance when he'd already sent us packing, and it turned out that another woman had hit him...
...The prostitute he'd hired after his girlfriend had slapped him. Turns out she had hit him and then robbed him of his "bling", and he couldn't have put up much of a fight because he only had one scratch on him.

It's wallies like these we have to put up with...and call "sir"...