Having had three and possibly going onto my fourth miscarriage I can completely emphathise with what you are saying. There now seems a cruel inevitability/logic to the whole proceedure. The first time was most definately the worst, that is when you lose your pregnancy innocence. You lose the assumption that a pregnancy means you will have a baby. I'm in the process of having tests at the moment and on the whole the staff have been great. Given that I'm getting numb to the experience I can imagine how it is for the staff. Wouldn't beat yourself up about it, life is just sometimes like that.