Tom, More thought provoking and intensly moving writing from you. As everybody else has said - Sure it feels really shitty - you didn't succeed this time (but next time you might) but also you have made such a huge difference in so many ways. This particular story (like some of the others) has relevance to me as this is what killed my Father in Law. His last words to my (now ex-)wife were "My head really hurts - I don't want to die" six hours later he was gone. I've said it before and, like many of your other regular readers, I'm sure I'll say it again - I'm really grateful that after such a demoralising outcome, you dust yourself off and go and do it again - and again! Thank you!