Hey Tom, your post reminds me of a couple of Christmases ago before I moved back to NZ. I was on a bus heading home from work in London. There was a guy a few years younger than me sounds asleep in the seat across the aisle. I thought nothing of it, having nodded off a few times on the bus myself. It wasn't until we got to the last stop that it became apparent the guy was dead. My reaction was much like yours. I found it really hard to come to terms with that lack of hope in life. I guess how i felt was compounded by the fact that it was Christmas... Hang in there, you do a phenomenal job (and a phenomenal blog!) Auckland Nic