Thanks for your replies. I try to be there for her as much as I can, but what was said earlier about not knowing who is friend and who is foe is definitely true of her. I have never told her to leave him (otherwise I am only trying to control her the same as he has), but when she tells me what goes on I try to tell her that it isn't "normal", and sometimes she is genuinely surprised and confused. She was young when he got his claws in, and for many years has had no friends, only him, so she doesn't even know what is normal. (We were best friends at junior school and got back in touch after about 18 years, but while she was with him it was very difficult to see her. We met maybe once every 4 or 5 months, whereas now it's at least once a week.) When I say "trying to break free" I mean she has actually left him, but she is really struggling to "find herself" and like most of these types there is actually a nice side to him that she really misses. Added to that he is the father of her child so she still has contact with him. He still abuses her in his own way, treating her in ways that I wouldn't treat a dog. I've lost count of how many therapy classes, and counselling sessions she has gone to. It seems she is so lost and so desperate to even find out who she is. You really can't imagine the effects of this kind of relationship unless you see it first hand. (And by "you" I obviously don't mean Elenfair or Ratchick) It is never as simple as "You should just leave him".