I have never understood the alcohol argument, the pretentions surrounding its consumption, and the delusions that the upmarket drinking brigade create for themselves. Were heroin to be legalised, I am sure that it would not be too long before some nyaff was writing in the Times Supplement of "A smooth, mature, blended heroin - a treat in store for the experienced, discerning i-v shooter. The heady, spicy, golden aura, typical of the soils of the western slopes of the lower Hindu Kush, is wonderfully offset by the gentle, perfumed feel of new varieties now coming from Turkestan. The whole is carried in a marvellous matrix of powdered brick, imported at huge expense from a demolition site in Sharjah, and producing a hit that can only be descibed as "An Experience." My first attempt; I reckon that it compares rather well with the kind of rubbish otherwise intelligent people write about wine, whisky, etc. What do you think? Booze - no matter how much you are daft enough to pay for it - is 99% water and ethanol, contaminated with 1% organic and inorganic traces (Except vodka, which is just ethanol and water - it comes out of the plumbing and straight on to the shelf - no "cask maturing" or other nonsense - which is why it is so cheap. However, if you are determined to be daft, you are perfectly free to pay well over the odds for it because it is "triple distilled" or something") The purpose of drinking booze is to get drunk - mildly, merrily, or legless. Anyone who believes or preaches otherwise is kidding only his or herself. Other than knowing the effects that booze has on your personality, what exactly does "drink responsibly" mean, anyway? More often than not, it is social context, not booze, that is the problem; the person who can get happily and harmlessly paralytic at a family get- together may also be the one attempting to bottle the opposition after just two lagers prior to a football match. Furthermore, many people slug back the ale in order to get themselves to the point where they are brave enough to behave the way they really want to. Is that responsible, irresponsible, or just another aspect of the happy state of being human? Booze would probably be listed as a "Class A Substance"if it didn't grow on trees. It is a CNS depressant whose downing effect - amazingly - is to depress our inhibitions, allowing us to say what we think, to do what we ought, and to stop being mim-mouthed and clench-ar**d for a while. It has several advantages over other Class A Substances: 1. Nature makes it freely available; leave most plants lying around for a while - particularly the sugary bits - and you get booze. This means that it is as cheap as you want it to be, and difficult to prohibit. (Wine appreciation lesson - buy the one that gives you the most alcohol for the least money - after the first couple of mouthfulls, you'll not care about the taste. Oh - and to get the proper effect, you need to DRINK it, not sniff at it!) 2. You need to consume huge quantities of it (cf only 100mg of heroin) to get any appreciable effect. Furthermore, if you o/d on it, the chances are that you will survive the experience (at least - you will if your stomach contents are vomited down your hostess's loo, rather than over her new settee). Not an option with heroin or coke. 3. If you take too much of it, it kicks you in the head, makes you proper poorly, and improves your chances of being more "sensible" the next time. 4. It is so easily detected by someone who has not had a drink (eg a copper, the works foreman, your spouse) that - despite what some would have you believe - most people use booze very carefully. Some other thoughts:- 1. Human beings are the only animals capable of metabolising large amounts of ethanol without harm. 2. In the space between the stars, the commonest molecule is molecular hydrogen, followed by water, methane, ammonia, methanol, and ethanol. There are billions of tons of the stuff floating between us and Barnard's Star. 3. The Miracle at Caana. 4. Booze wrecks lives - but only a few; I'd back it against:- politics, war, bombs, bullets, unwanted babies, matrimony, landmines, asbestos, abuse, and stupidity any day. I'd happily debate that it does far more good than harm. It makes you acceptable to me, and me acceptable to you. "If "Booze" is the answer, it was probably a damn' good question" (Dean Martin).