Batsgirl has described this to the letter. My parents are doing this to each other & I have never known a time when they did not follow this pattern. Its development is insiduous and relentless. My father knows exactly what he is doing but claims that nothing is ever his fault, he has always been 'driven' to rage by the actions of my mother. My mother colludes entirely in this, she is unshakeable in her belief that she must do something wrong each and every time. She is terrified (but would never admit to this) of being on her own, of not having enough money to live on, of losing him. I believe that she loves him still but I think she is clinging to a memory of what he once was, rather than what he can be now. It is very very easy to judge these situations and very very hard to take actions once in them or involved in them. The abusers are rarely abusive 100% of the time, often there are considerably time delays between attacks but the underlying tensions never recede. This makes it possible for families to pretend that all is well - after all, all abusees want it to be ok again. I struggle with my feelings towards both my parents, due to this situation. I feel for them both, I love the good people they can be, I resent and blame them for making me witness this throughout my childhood and for involving me in the game when it suited them. I reject utterly their ways but the relationship remains present and if they are unable or unwilling to take control to improve their lives, I remain utterly unable to establish how I should relate to them in a manner which is positive and supportive, without colluding with them again. Thank you for writing about all aspects of the work you do, I value your honesty and clarity of a horrible situation.