Suicidal patients always pulled me in many directions. On the one hand, for far too many of them, I had little sympathy. I saw suicide as a cowardly act, the ultimate betrayal of one's self, and to the others the patient would leave behind. It also abhorred me from a more personal point of view: I lived with an autoimmune liver disease for 12 years, fought to stay alive long enough to get a liver transplant, and could not imagine giving up unless all hope was lost, and there was no chance of survival. On the other hand, I was not dealing with their own personal situations either, and had not dealt with any form of my own depression.....yet........ It was not until some years after the transplant, when the whole of the experience, and all the years of working EMS came home to roost and crashed down on my head, (along with the death of one of my dearest friends) did I get some insight as to why people choose to depart this world by their own hand. It was still not something I considered during my own battle with depression, but it did allow me to have some more insights into why people would choose to do it.