I admire your openess... have admired it for a long time as I read your pages. I don't think we ever stop caring about wanting the best and being fearful for the worst (and consequences there of). It keeps us honest, diligent and mindful of the important work of being a frontline care provider. You asked the question, shouldn't the patient have more of a place in your mind. I counter that it does. Reread your post - you say, "I felt sick for the patient and (then) sick for myself"... or how starving him of oxygen was on your mind. You do think of your patients!! Kudos to you. Janine